Still ...

Emily still gets a bottle every night before she goes to bed. It is my quiet time with my little one and I live for it each and every day. We just sit there and rock in her dimly lit room (while we listen to Megan splashing around in the tub and laughing when she gets James soaking wet). It is my time to think. I am always thinking about Emily's early arrival and the NICU stay and how far she has come. I still feel the emotions of the day she was born. I still feel the fear that came with each contraction as they were coming as close as 3 minutes apart while my mother drove me to the hospital. I still wonder if I missed something. If pre-term labor could have been avoided, or at least caught early and stopped. I know she's almost a year old and is doing amazingly well but I still think about it. I can still see my doctor's face when she told me I was 6 centimeters dilated and my bag of waters was bulging through my cervix - and we needed to do a c-section - and it needed to be done quickly. I can still remember crying when I found out my nurse's name was Emily. I can still hear the panic in James' voice over the phone when I told him what was going on. I can still feel each of the 3 attempts at the epidural while I was shivering in the sterile operating room. I can still feel every minute of the c-section that I never thought I would have and remember the staff counting instruments making sure nothing was left inside me (or to make sure I was charged for everything). I can still hear little Emily's first cry and I can still see her all wrapped up as they whisked her off to the NICU. She was so beautiful but I am still very much aware that I wasn't able to hold her until days later. I still remember being wheeled through the hospital, in and out of elevators, and into the NICU to see my little girl. I still remember touching her tiny little hand with my finger - I was so afraid and she looked so small and weak. I still remember taking and sending Emily's first picture with my phone, that isn't supposed to be on in the NICU. I still remember eating every bit of my clear liquid breakfast the next morning of chicken broth (seriously? for breakfast?) and I can vividly remember the minute James walked through the door of my room at the hospital. Neither one of us had seen Emily since I took that picture at 11:00 the night before. I still remember being wheeled down there in a wheelchair ... and thus began our NICU experience. I still feel all the ups and downs of everything. The day I thought my world was crashing down on us, when Emily needed the blood transfusion. That was possibly the worst day of my life and I can still feel every bit of it. I also feel the good things. I still remember the JOY when I walked in and found her in an open bed instead of her isolette (incubator) because that meant she was maintaining her temp like a big girl. The day her oxygen was removed was even better than that. I still remember learning how to feed her a bottle and the first time she nursed. She started eating and just hasn't looked back!! Throughout this whole experience ... the ups and downs ... all the emotions, most of which I could live my whole life without ever feeling again ... I still want to do it all over again. I still want another child. I still want another pregnancy. Gestational Diabetes and Pre-Term Labor be damned. Am I crazy? Are we crazy?

Emily is almost a year old. I can't believe how far she has come in a year. I can't believe how far she has had to come. These are all the thoughts I was having last night actually while we were having our quiet time. I just couldn't kick them out of my head so I had to share.